i am looking at jetstar's 1-for-1 tickets now but i dont even know where to go.

should i just click buy to somewhere, anywhere?
just let me leave on a jet plane.
just let me start afresh.
just wash my sins and let me go brand new.

the old & now

thanks to scurriying around in the morning (welll TGIF and no mood to really work!), i read thru entries of my old blog and hey its actually quite good to keep a blog because it helps to track how much u have grown/changed and also to find out that somethings doesnt really change..

so, from reading my old blog, i actually realised that i have slowly already gotten used to working and the working world. i found how much i complained abt having to be fake, having lesser leisure time, wanting to play and go out when i just started working. but now, i seldom complain abt such already... i do still complain abt having not enough sleep, but somehow towards the other things i am immuned/used to it?
good thing thou, cuz i have grown in this aspect.

some things never changed, because i still love my gfs as much! just that it took some time to find the real gfs but some i had, i still have, and always want to have them! LOVE U GFS!

i still shopped madly like in the past.
i still ponder abt the same things but perhaps in a different complexity and understanding.

all in all, i am still very much me, but just on a more grown level.
25years and counting.
more changes and counting.

i hate this.

how do you get pass this patch of ugly tough detrimental part of life that u really hate.

when people that u want to care for u simply doesnt.
when everything just seems impossible.
when you can do nothing but sit and drag thru it.
when u wanna disappear but u still have 255256132 commitments like, ur job, money, cc bills (fuck), hp bills, allowances, bla bla.
when everything just simply and totally sucks.
when even u are young beautiful and smart doesnt help.
when u just wanna disappear for good (eg. die or leave the country)

when everything u wanna do, u just cant do.
im so tired of everything.

at this point of time

i think my life really sucks.
my work sucks (thats 1/2 of my life daily)
my rship sucks
my finances sucks
my health kinda sucks (assume im falling sick pretty soon)

i think all that is kinda sucking me up. how great.
so i am sucked to feel suck. how confusing just the way it is.
just what did i do wrong to screw it all up?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

answers

answers answers answers.......
can someone tell me where are they? or can someone tell me what they are?

i desperately feel that i need a retreat. to somewhere like maldives, where there's only the sea sky and pool. and there's myself to face myself, my own reflection. there will be only me, ugly me inside-out.

disappear and be on my own.

i should come back with a clearer mind, starting afresh.
let me breathe the fresh air and cleanse my soul.

perhaps i should apologise for saying all that hurtful things in that other space. those confused thoughts which has got the better of me but am glad that i have now learnt what/who is right for me.

but i guess theres a price to pay for all the play that you have done, and i guess i must be paying mine now. i can blame no one but myself as i kinda brought this along.

hate it. hate it. as much as you regret as wish to turn back time, i know its impossible. right now the question is, how do we take it on from here?

is there still a chance?
(i'll probably have a hard time convincing B, and maybe in the end, he might not even be convinced at all) i guess i should take some time alone to think abt these.

it will be a good time to blog.
or rather, a good time to keep intouch with blogging. maybe i could be more frequent here now.

10.17am, its raining now and i got super no mood to work.
its a long day and long battle with the zzz monsters. come 6.01pm pls come to me soon.