its funny you could keep saying you know how i feel, u have been thru the same, and u understand the pain etc. but how are u so sure that the proximity of pain me and u felt was the same? yes, u may have gone thru a similar situation. well, all breakups are quite the same, and even more so similar if you are once the one being abandoned from the rship. but the proximity of pain for each and every differs isnt it? so stop telling me u know how exactly i feel, how exactly my pain is, because i can tell u its definitely different and even more so bcuz i am a girl. known to be much more emotional, and irrational than you.
and i think u too belittled your importance in my life, u didnt think you or our rship mattered that much to me. that u didnt expect me to be so upset breaking up with you. just bcuz i dont happen to show, or my face doesnt spell it doesnt mean u arent impt to me, doesnt mean i dont want u or doesnt mean it didnt mattered even if i loose u.
fact is, it mattered god damn fucking much.
i know u are happy with your life now, but nevertheless its still hurts like a freaking damn bitch when u said it to me urself. but what to do? its a fact and a fact that u happily slashed at me. what can i do abt it right?
it doesnt matter to u anymore, my life and well-being isnt on ur list of concerns now. u have created a new list for urself and ME is out of it.
u really want to say u know how this feels? u really shld think twice.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
今天晚上特别多感触
and before i forget all these precious feelings, i better blog them down.
i am an emotional person, but most of the times i find myself not able to put the exact of my feelings into words. i have a difficulty somehow. im bad at face to face communication and am better at writing things down, because writing allows u to think of what words to use and most probably also cause writing doesnt decreases my pride like how it will if i would to face someone as i say all these.
maybe me and B had the same problem with talking thats why our rship ended up with a lack of communication problem at the end.
anyways, today i went out. it was Saturday yet again and i had to dig programmes for myself, so i went, and i met new people. and after meeting new people, passing through the day. i just realised some things;
meeting a good guy isnt impossible, but meeting a good guy with the same habits/liking/class/fit as you is rather hard. even harder to meet a good guy with the above same qualities plus being able to be your 知己. there u go, this might be one of the most impossible task/wish you could ever wish for.
perhaps im being difficult here. i bet many others beg to differ that class/habits doesnt matter, but to me, it does. maybe because im a person who finds it very hard to adapt to someone. im not receptive towards the idea and i take a long time to adapt to a new person (my friends call me a slow cooker), and most of the time if i find that the person doesnt fall under my "qualified category" i most likely will show no interest in the person at all, or worse still get quite disgusted (this happens most of the time).
bad stereotyping i know. but years after years, i find myself still being like this and actually i dont think i will quite change it.
many might not understand me being this way, but to me, i feel that "the feel" you get from a person u first meet plays an important part for me being receptive to "making this new friend". feel is impt. - i guess this is what they all meant by, first impression counts much!
so well, today i went out with a few of my friends and we went to JB. a familiar familiar place, entered by tuas and once i was in there, memories just flooded me. that so familiar plc that i used to patron with B. and so, B occupied my mind the whole night.
to start off on a worse note, my friends brought along this friend and he was driving this car which omg i couldnt stand at all. sorry for being rude and anal but i think i need to complain!
the hygiene of the car was in such a bad state; messy, smelly, dusty, GROSS! totally disgusting. turned off ttm. and i cant believe i had to sit in that car for so many hours. yucks its still giving me goosebumps as i recall now. it just says so much of a person!
turnoff factor number 1 for a guy: gross disgusting unhygienic car/self/dressing/personal hygiene
so carried on with the journey, and we were parking to eat at this roadside stall. this friend could actually pack the car on a patch of wet grass! and the grass are those tall kinds which will definitely wet not only our shoes but even up till our legs! and despite me making abit of noise hoping that he can let us down before parking, this friend could actually still go ahead and park and expect us ladies to get down on that patch of wet grass!!! GRR huff and pufff!!!
turnoff factor number 2 for a guy: ungentlemanly act and never consider the convenience of ladies
then i found out that he actually asked my friend if i had a bf!!??!! why is this person checking a girl out that he randomly met on an outing?! this is so.... low class. like so despo or what? meet new girls only must check if they are available and potential anot. low class!
turnoff factor number 3 for a guy: checking a girl's status out on an outing where u randomly met
this pretty much churned my intestines upside down. and this guy totally failed on my list of first impressions of a gentleman in general.
so for the rest of the night, there wasnt really anything else worth mentioning cuz i totally switched off to this new person and felt nothing but just quite an amt of disgust.
and so main point, i went ktv and ktv u know have nothing but sad emo heartbroken chinese songs which are damn good are pricking your already injured bleeding heart. so i sang, and sang and as i sang the words just slashed me like a blade. but it also made me think of B.
that is when i started comparing and derived of the above list.
and u know it if you find that u keep comparing new people with ur ex. and after comparing, u still find ur ex is better and i guess that tells u some things. not sure abt u guys but it did for me.
i really liked it that B is actually as anal as me on tidiness and cleanliness! sometimes i even think he is more anal than me. which is good! cuz i dont have to worry abt sitting and being in a dirty environment bcuz he will make sure its cleaned. - worry-free! being clean makes me happy.
and i am very sure B will not park his car on a patch of wet grass for me to get down!!! and if i were to voice out, i am 100% sure he will never make me get down on THAT grass! - anal as i am, at least when i voice my point i know my man takes it.
so, i went on thinking abt other things like chemistry, connection and the unspoken compatibility (triple Cs if u realized) which is a kind of science u cant ask for or make happen, it is there only if its there.
then, lost in my thoughts i just stared quietly at the dark familiar highway oblivious to my surroundings and kept thinking and missing B.
and with these, i end my Saturday on a sad note once again.
i am an emotional person, but most of the times i find myself not able to put the exact of my feelings into words. i have a difficulty somehow. im bad at face to face communication and am better at writing things down, because writing allows u to think of what words to use and most probably also cause writing doesnt decreases my pride like how it will if i would to face someone as i say all these.
maybe me and B had the same problem with talking thats why our rship ended up with a lack of communication problem at the end.
anyways, today i went out. it was Saturday yet again and i had to dig programmes for myself, so i went, and i met new people. and after meeting new people, passing through the day. i just realised some things;
meeting a good guy isnt impossible, but meeting a good guy with the same habits/liking/class/fit as you is rather hard. even harder to meet a good guy with the above same qualities plus being able to be your 知己. there u go, this might be one of the most impossible task/wish you could ever wish for.
perhaps im being difficult here. i bet many others beg to differ that class/habits doesnt matter, but to me, it does. maybe because im a person who finds it very hard to adapt to someone. im not receptive towards the idea and i take a long time to adapt to a new person (my friends call me a slow cooker), and most of the time if i find that the person doesnt fall under my "qualified category" i most likely will show no interest in the person at all, or worse still get quite disgusted (this happens most of the time).
bad stereotyping i know. but years after years, i find myself still being like this and actually i dont think i will quite change it.
many might not understand me being this way, but to me, i feel that "the feel" you get from a person u first meet plays an important part for me being receptive to "making this new friend". feel is impt. - i guess this is what they all meant by, first impression counts much!
so well, today i went out with a few of my friends and we went to JB. a familiar familiar place, entered by tuas and once i was in there, memories just flooded me. that so familiar plc that i used to patron with B. and so, B occupied my mind the whole night.
to start off on a worse note, my friends brought along this friend and he was driving this car which omg i couldnt stand at all. sorry for being rude and anal but i think i need to complain!
the hygiene of the car was in such a bad state; messy, smelly, dusty, GROSS! totally disgusting. turned off ttm. and i cant believe i had to sit in that car for so many hours. yucks its still giving me goosebumps as i recall now. it just says so much of a person!
turnoff factor number 1 for a guy: gross disgusting unhygienic car/self/dressing/personal hygiene
so carried on with the journey, and we were parking to eat at this roadside stall. this friend could actually pack the car on a patch of wet grass! and the grass are those tall kinds which will definitely wet not only our shoes but even up till our legs! and despite me making abit of noise hoping that he can let us down before parking, this friend could actually still go ahead and park and expect us ladies to get down on that patch of wet grass!!! GRR huff and pufff!!!
turnoff factor number 2 for a guy: ungentlemanly act and never consider the convenience of ladies
then i found out that he actually asked my friend if i had a bf!!??!! why is this person checking a girl out that he randomly met on an outing?! this is so.... low class. like so despo or what? meet new girls only must check if they are available and potential anot. low class!
turnoff factor number 3 for a guy: checking a girl's status out on an outing where u randomly met
this pretty much churned my intestines upside down. and this guy totally failed on my list of first impressions of a gentleman in general.
so for the rest of the night, there wasnt really anything else worth mentioning cuz i totally switched off to this new person and felt nothing but just quite an amt of disgust.
and so main point, i went ktv and ktv u know have nothing but sad emo heartbroken chinese songs which are damn good are pricking your already injured bleeding heart. so i sang, and sang and as i sang the words just slashed me like a blade. but it also made me think of B.
that is when i started comparing and derived of the above list.
and u know it if you find that u keep comparing new people with ur ex. and after comparing, u still find ur ex is better and i guess that tells u some things. not sure abt u guys but it did for me.
i really liked it that B is actually as anal as me on tidiness and cleanliness! sometimes i even think he is more anal than me. which is good! cuz i dont have to worry abt sitting and being in a dirty environment bcuz he will make sure its cleaned. - worry-free! being clean makes me happy.
and i am very sure B will not park his car on a patch of wet grass for me to get down!!! and if i were to voice out, i am 100% sure he will never make me get down on THAT grass! - anal as i am, at least when i voice my point i know my man takes it.
so, i went on thinking abt other things like chemistry, connection and the unspoken compatibility (triple Cs if u realized) which is a kind of science u cant ask for or make happen, it is there only if its there.
then, lost in my thoughts i just stared quietly at the dark familiar highway oblivious to my surroundings and kept thinking and missing B.
and with these, i end my Saturday on a sad note once again.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
the last goodbyes
Dear God,
2011 has really been a very bad year for me. i cant think of anything that is good enough to put on my list. day by day, months by months, its just bad things after bad things, upset and more upset, jadded and more jadded.
i really do not have strength to face another tomorrow, i do not want to wake up to another day filled with bad things and misery. sometimes i think its so much easier to jump of a building and not face all these. thou it IS a cowardy action. but i kinda can understand why ppl chose to end their lives, cause its simply too painful for them to carry on each day.
u wake up each morning without optimism, without anything to look forward to, all that's greeting u is the misery from yesterday, and each day the misery increases.
u get so tired and so weak u just dont wish to carry on anymore. thou everyone promises a better future if u walk out of this phrase, but seriously, how long do u need to take to walk out of this? will u walk out at all? who is so sure to tell, when they arent even god themselves.
God, seriously whats the matter with you?
what are u trying to put me thru? if some things are not meant to be, then why not u let me move on easily? why not u give me an easier route so that i could walk out of it faster and easier? if its not meant to be then why force me to go thru this long and torturous process of pain? why put me thru these shit day and day again? if its not meant for me, then let me let go lo. what do u want from driving me up the wall each and every day? are u having fun looking at me like this? what is it that you want from me really?
people say, ask and god will give.
i asked so many times, i am sure you know what i want deep in my heart, but u didn't give me. no u didn't. i don't know what is it you want me to learn before you really give me the happiness i deserve. i only know im losing the strength to reach that day.
i just don't wanna wake up anymore.
2011 has really been a very bad year for me. i cant think of anything that is good enough to put on my list. day by day, months by months, its just bad things after bad things, upset and more upset, jadded and more jadded.
i really do not have strength to face another tomorrow, i do not want to wake up to another day filled with bad things and misery. sometimes i think its so much easier to jump of a building and not face all these. thou it IS a cowardy action. but i kinda can understand why ppl chose to end their lives, cause its simply too painful for them to carry on each day.
u wake up each morning without optimism, without anything to look forward to, all that's greeting u is the misery from yesterday, and each day the misery increases.
u get so tired and so weak u just dont wish to carry on anymore. thou everyone promises a better future if u walk out of this phrase, but seriously, how long do u need to take to walk out of this? will u walk out at all? who is so sure to tell, when they arent even god themselves.
God, seriously whats the matter with you?
what are u trying to put me thru? if some things are not meant to be, then why not u let me move on easily? why not u give me an easier route so that i could walk out of it faster and easier? if its not meant to be then why force me to go thru this long and torturous process of pain? why put me thru these shit day and day again? if its not meant for me, then let me let go lo. what do u want from driving me up the wall each and every day? are u having fun looking at me like this? what is it that you want from me really?
people say, ask and god will give.
i asked so many times, i am sure you know what i want deep in my heart, but u didn't give me. no u didn't. i don't know what is it you want me to learn before you really give me the happiness i deserve. i only know im losing the strength to reach that day.
i just don't wanna wake up anymore.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
fireworks
i went USS last night.
i've always wanted to go with you to this place, i always wanted to save my first time there for you. even yesterday i was there, i wished i was there with you.
you could make the fireworks look much more beautiful, just like katy perry's kinda fireworks...
i've always wanted to go with you to this place, i always wanted to save my first time there for you. even yesterday i was there, i wished i was there with you.
you could make the fireworks look much more beautiful, just like katy perry's kinda fireworks...
Friday, August 19, 2011
Today I'm taking a bus ride to work, on the similar express bus 552 which I always took when I was working at Press Start Media...
With Taylor swift plugged in my ears and looking at that familiar expressway, I rmb like many many months ago, I was always happy taking this bus becuz I had u in my life.
Days at PSM were hard, tough. But u always made it better by waiting for me at the front car porch at 6.01pm... I'll never forget how u frequently did it. Perhaps I never told u or maybe I shld tell u again, I was always so happy to see u at 6.01 when I'm released from a long day of torture from the "witch" hands.
Those very precious days.
With Taylor swift plugged in my ears and looking at that familiar expressway, I rmb like many many months ago, I was always happy taking this bus becuz I had u in my life.
Days at PSM were hard, tough. But u always made it better by waiting for me at the front car porch at 6.01pm... I'll never forget how u frequently did it. Perhaps I never told u or maybe I shld tell u again, I was always so happy to see u at 6.01 when I'm released from a long day of torture from the "witch" hands.
Those very precious days.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
(partly quoted from mindy's blog together with my own rendition of feelings)
Love is...
holding her hand when you cross the road... (i thought i felt you do this)
making sure she don't get lost in the crowd... (i thought someone spot you doing this)
letting her feel that she is not alone when in a room full of people... (you always made me feel this)
remembering what she said... (i feel you do remember)
getting rid of her insecurity... (you always make me feel safe, nothing to worry about)
putting a smile on her face... (you always do, just by being there)
forgiving and forgetting... (not very sure if you could do this)
loving her as who she is and accepting her flaws... (will you do this, for me?)
if it is 6 out of 8 points that you have fulfilled, then could it have been a love that we both over-looked?
Love is...
holding her hand when you cross the road... (i thought i felt you do this)
making sure she don't get lost in the crowd... (i thought someone spot you doing this)
letting her feel that she is not alone when in a room full of people... (you always made me feel this)
remembering what she said... (i feel you do remember)
getting rid of her insecurity... (you always make me feel safe, nothing to worry about)
putting a smile on her face... (you always do, just by being there)
forgiving and forgetting... (not very sure if you could do this)
loving her as who she is and accepting her flaws... (will you do this, for me?)
if it is 6 out of 8 points that you have fulfilled, then could it have been a love that we both over-looked?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Dear B,
i really did hurt you alot didnt i?
so much but u didnt want to admit to it at all, so much that u didnt want to admit to how much it hurted u.
and to make urself forget all the pain that it brought, and all the pain that was reminded from your past, u changed...
u changed ur perspective, u changed ur attitude to tell urself it could no longer hurt you, u changed the way you do things. u build walls among urself so as not to be hurt by something so similar again.
this is what it is isnt it?
why. why didnt u just say honestly how much it hurts u? why didnt u just own up? its ok my dear, its ok to say it hurts, it ok to admit. it doesnt make u less a man.
pls, could you let me know ur feelings if theres ever another chance? pls just tell me, honestly.
dont hide, u really dont have to hide.
i really did hurt you alot didnt i?
so much but u didnt want to admit to it at all, so much that u didnt want to admit to how much it hurted u.
and to make urself forget all the pain that it brought, and all the pain that was reminded from your past, u changed...
u changed ur perspective, u changed ur attitude to tell urself it could no longer hurt you, u changed the way you do things. u build walls among urself so as not to be hurt by something so similar again.
this is what it is isnt it?
why. why didnt u just say honestly how much it hurts u? why didnt u just own up? its ok my dear, its ok to say it hurts, it ok to admit. it doesnt make u less a man.
pls, could you let me know ur feelings if theres ever another chance? pls just tell me, honestly.
dont hide, u really dont have to hide.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Dear B,
had wanted to return you donald as well today. i reckon since daisy and donald arent together anymore, then donald shouldnt be left at my house with daisy. since they are literally apart now, so the soft toys should follow their owners too.
u got daisy for me so i'll be keeping her. and since i bought donald for u, so i tot u ought to keep him. however way u want to. chuck it in a corner or give him a space in wardrobe.
but..... i still didnt bring him down when i met you.
and now whenever i still see him at my bed, i just feel so heartbroken...
had wanted to return you donald as well today. i reckon since daisy and donald arent together anymore, then donald shouldnt be left at my house with daisy. since they are literally apart now, so the soft toys should follow their owners too.
u got daisy for me so i'll be keeping her. and since i bought donald for u, so i tot u ought to keep him. however way u want to. chuck it in a corner or give him a space in wardrobe.
but..... i still didnt bring him down when i met you.
and now whenever i still see him at my bed, i just feel so heartbroken...
Dear B,
I really dunno what to feel after talking to u. I dunno what am I supposed to be feeling. I'm very sure it isn't positive. But yet I can't make out the exact feeling I'm having.
I felt so stupid many times while talking to u jus now. I guess I'm always bad at speech face to face. And you're right, perhaps I shld have jus talk over the phone or I shld jus have dropped you msgs. Perhaps u always make me forget what I'm supposed to say or perhaps I just felt so stupid in the middle of the conversation i felt like there was no point carrying on the truck load of things that ive alrd prepared to say.
you were so logical. u are always so logical that i always find myself hard to argue with u, truth is, there is no grounds for me to argue. i could say you are selfish and that i blame you for all my pain and sufferings now, but at the end of it, i will still be feeling the same pain and sufferings and u are still you. no change. and nothing will change.
i guess that is when it dawn really hard and painfully on me that nothings gonna change. and the more i carry on, the more i just feel how different u have change to be. and it strips my heart apart, piece by piece.
at the end of the talk, all i wanted to say is "can u pls dont go, can u just stay with me and tell me things will be ok" but no, i have no choice, i could only swallow down these words which nv made it our of my throat and watch you drive away, reminding me once again, how u are out of my life.
and here i am, another night after many other similar nights, typing profusely and hurting as i type on each word. and then, the next day comes and this cycle carries on again...
I really dunno what to feel after talking to u. I dunno what am I supposed to be feeling. I'm very sure it isn't positive. But yet I can't make out the exact feeling I'm having.
I felt so stupid many times while talking to u jus now. I guess I'm always bad at speech face to face. And you're right, perhaps I shld have jus talk over the phone or I shld jus have dropped you msgs. Perhaps u always make me forget what I'm supposed to say or perhaps I just felt so stupid in the middle of the conversation i felt like there was no point carrying on the truck load of things that ive alrd prepared to say.
you were so logical. u are always so logical that i always find myself hard to argue with u, truth is, there is no grounds for me to argue. i could say you are selfish and that i blame you for all my pain and sufferings now, but at the end of it, i will still be feeling the same pain and sufferings and u are still you. no change. and nothing will change.
i guess that is when it dawn really hard and painfully on me that nothings gonna change. and the more i carry on, the more i just feel how different u have change to be. and it strips my heart apart, piece by piece.
at the end of the talk, all i wanted to say is "can u pls dont go, can u just stay with me and tell me things will be ok" but no, i have no choice, i could only swallow down these words which nv made it our of my throat and watch you drive away, reminding me once again, how u are out of my life.
and here i am, another night after many other similar nights, typing profusely and hurting as i type on each word. and then, the next day comes and this cycle carries on again...
Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I never thought one day i would become such a pest to u that u wish to get rid off so badly.
I never thought one day our rship doesn't matter to u anymore.
I never knew I could become a pest in ur life.
I never knew u could want me out so badly so that you can move on and seek ur own happiness.
I never knew one day I could mean nothing at all to u.
I didn't know u wanted me out so badly u could bullshit to me. To make me believe u wouldn't be in any rship any time soon, just to make me let u go easier, just to escape and leave our rship easier.
U made me believe all that which are all lies.
LIES.
I never thought one day our rship doesn't matter to u anymore.
I never knew I could become a pest in ur life.
I never knew u could want me out so badly so that you can move on and seek ur own happiness.
I never knew one day I could mean nothing at all to u.
I didn't know u wanted me out so badly u could bullshit to me. To make me believe u wouldn't be in any rship any time soon, just to make me let u go easier, just to escape and leave our rship easier.
U made me believe all that which are all lies.
LIES.
Monday, August 8, 2011
You and I know what it's like to be kicked down
Forced to fight
But tonight we’re alright
So hold up your light
Let it shine
Cuz this one's for you and me
Living out our dreams
We're all right where we should be
Lift my arms out wide
I open my eyes
And now all I wannna see
Is a sky full of lightets, a sky full of lighters
`just like the nights in phuket... just like the skies in kamala, like the night by the poolside...
Forced to fight
But tonight we’re alright
So hold up your light
Let it shine
Cuz this one's for you and me
Living out our dreams
We're all right where we should be
Lift my arms out wide
I open my eyes
And now all I wannna see
Is a sky full of lightets, a sky full of lighters
`just like the nights in phuket... just like the skies in kamala, like the night by the poolside...
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
“ Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. Leo Buscaglia
i am sure i missed the chance of doing all these for someone. i overlooked it at that point of time. and now the time have passed. and it is my punishment for not appreciating things at that moment.
i am sure i missed the chance of doing all these for someone. i overlooked it at that point of time. and now the time have passed. and it is my punishment for not appreciating things at that moment.
EVERYDAY
is the same shit feeling day in and day out.
same shit feeling greeting you first thing in the morning, and same shit feeling reminding you last thing in the night.
it just the same shit and just different day.
and it just makes me miss my holidays over and over again...
same shit feeling greeting you first thing in the morning, and same shit feeling reminding you last thing in the night.
it just the same shit and just different day.
and it just makes me miss my holidays over and over again...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)